FINALLY 21!!!!!!!!! yay!....and to add to that i finally took my drivers test.... and me passed! its been awhile since ive updated but basically mah bday was fucckin awesum..... everyone i loved came and helped me celebrate. most especially my friends from the city who came up after freakin 2 yrs of not comin here to stony for their first "college" party ever. well  miss siara came from the city to bring me mah favorite icebox cho cake from billys bakery and so at midnite they surprised me by havin bday shots and le cake. . god....i felt sick since sum bozo named nic decided that a beer relay race would be awesum... girls won soo sorry

a few games of kings, fuck the dealer and pong ended the nite.

 me dearies alex n ricky

 mi amors aaron n kate

 my LOVEs ricky n bethany

siara's first encounter wit ricky=lapdance

then hmm.. next day me friends kat n christie came in from the city... we watched dane cook for the mornin. OMG i heart him.. and umm randomness of my old friends meetin mah stoner peoples... then le afffair that my suitemates threw for me.. the blacklight party....

haha i see pete gettin angry cuz he couldnt get to the keg at all..

me babishkas.. jenn, kate, and me boobie roomie ana dancin

oooo nipplily desi under a blacklight

aaron, kate, and me boobie roomie ana banana

more dancin

glowin

ahhh!!!!!

randomwords to a britthebitchesof 312

oh no.sexual favors and a funnel?!?

haha rickys face has skank on it

ooo... heather being seduced by kate

tarika celbratin my victorious beer run at the liquor store earlier todaybeer pong tournament....forceFIELD

tarika celebratin my liquor discount of 10% for goin on mah bday 

orgies.. lol

best birthday EVER!.. i heart u all for throwin me this shitssssnittssss.... god.. everyone was wasted ..

Even the stars refuse to shine
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide...

I cant even type without getting choked up. It is still really hard to breathe. My chest feels heavy everytime I think about it. Today was hard. Today was difficult. Yet, for some unknown reason I made it through it and I grew better as a whole. I've never been to a funeral before ever in my life and Ive never had to face the harsh realities of death and loss of a loved one, until today.  This is probably one of my most honest entries Ive written in awhile. the only thing i can think of typing right now Honesty. It hurts so bad when you lose someone you love and your not completely and utterly honest wit that person. It is still going to be one of the regrets in my life. "U never know what life gives you or hands you. Life's  too short." I use to fuckin get so annoyed at these cliche quotes. but it didnt hit me until Omar died. 

 Omar was hospitalized for a seizure. shock and tears fell upon my face.  I never really tell my mother anything about my personal life and I finally i did for the first time. In the begin, she became worried and thought i would have a panic attack like i did before when my  other friend was hospitalized. But it was different this time. It wasnt just a friend for me. Omar was the guy I was seeing in stony during the last semester. It takes awhile for me to become comfortable with a person.. im not like other girls out there who can easily date around and party it up to meet guys. In fact after my first boyfriend, I didnt really think i could find someone I could care for again. and now Omars gone. and its not as easy as a breakup or moving away because hes gone forever. it just hurts to even type that. he was different from anyone ive ever met bef .. eveyone always says that.. but he was the reason i survived one of the biggest challenges in my life. One of my good friends attepted suicide..i rem finding her and rushing her to the hospital. everything stopped in stony. i didnt go to classes, tests and papers had to be rescheduled and i wit my other two friends had to go to a therapist. That didnt help much honestly. my other two friends had boyfriends to run and talk to. I had no one to talk to, and i felt alone. Then when I was at a friends dorm...but for some unknown reason  even though i didnt know omar too well.. he held my hand and talked to me and helped me finally release everything I had bottled up inside me. We didnt sleep that night and ended up talking til 3 pm in the next day. god i still cant belive he did that for me. For then on, i knew he was diff and we started seeing each other. the best part of my day was just waking up next to him. I rem i use to be obsessed with "my stupid mouth" by john mayer. we would just lie there starin at the ceiling and since he hated singin he would just lie there and hold me and say the words in my ear. god we missed so many classes..we didnt have titles, we were just not allowed to see other people..i miss holding him .. i miss kissing and cuddling with him... i miss just seeing him laugh at how weird i was...he always made fun of my "asianess" i never in my life smiled and laughed so much wit a person. I never felt so open and comfortable with a person. I never stopped gettin butterflies in my stomach when i talked about him...I miss tiptoing to reach and kiss him.. i miss him making me listen to new bands ive never heard of, I miss playing jenga and taboo wit him, i miss talking about real issues wit him, i miss him.. all of him...   My friends loved him.... yup even the guys.... he blended in well with his cocky, funny shit he pulled. summer came and i was nervous about how things would be.  We saw each other a couple of times but it wasnt like before. we were i guess taking  a breather... i started baruch classes and him work.. we didnt see each other at all. friends started tellin me that i should try to get over him and stuff ... but of course we never stopped talking online. that was the problem .. i could never get over him because everytime i talked to him online late at nite i would fall for him all over again. we talked for hrs over random shit and all i was waiting  for was for school to start up again and for us to get back to the way things were before. .. i went to canada and one drunken night.. my friends finally realized how much i really did care about omar. but when i came back to give him his canadian souvenirs it was too late. i feel as if im wrting a dramatic plot for a tv show.... a nightmare of a tv show.... because it is all real....The last time i talked to him was the night i came back from canada. I rem he wanted the caramel candies real badd.. he was obssessed wit caramel. for a couple of days now ive thought of nothing but the regrets...i regret not telling him how i really felt about him. how i did want  something more not because friends were asking or the norms of society for titles, but because i wanted to be there for him through thick and thin, i wanted to be the one whose shoulder he could rely on, i wanted to be with him and spend time laughing again with him and i was willing to accept all of him good or bad... but most importantly i truly and deeply felt a genuine love for him. I was falling for the him...and i didnt know why i was soo afraid to tell him this. Dont ever hesitate or rethink feelings. Theres no such thing as a maybe or halfway feeling for another person. thats my regret, not telling him how i really felt and being ok wit not seeing him only so that i wouldnt seem so weak. i tried to be tough too much and ignore how i really ws feeling until it was too late. A part of me still has this regret because all i want for him to know is that i truly did care for him. But for some reason all of that pain and grief went away when i met his mother. She gave me hope. Seeing her smile and hugging her melted away all of my regrets because she made it seemed like he knew. She was also very brave in facing one of the hardest things a mother has to face in life. I promised omar that i would visit his mother and i intend on doing that. My prayers are with her always. things like these really do change you life. i feel more appreciative of life, i dont wanna take things for granted like loved ones family and friends. I wanna do the things ive always wanted to do like travel and do journalism. Evrything happens for a reason.. it still hurts and every so often a memory is still just a memory...i wanted to build more memories wit him for this fall... it hard to face the facts. I miss him and nothing will ever change that, but for some reason I know that he is watching down from the heavens .. over all of us. "We can't let the hurt take control of our lives. He would not have wanted to see people hurt and crying but laughin as his friend said. Honesty will always be the key in  my life from now on. dont ever hesitate to tell other how you feel. omar said "life is underrated" it always confused me.. but i didnt realize til now...i love you and i will never stop loving the "dragondile" you .............OCD threes ONLy til st patricks day

no words can describe how mucho funn mah road trip wit the  ana n  bethany... some pics up on bethanys webshots..god i wanna move to canada soo badddd...

day one: (11:00 pm)

to bethanys house. thankies beth!  greeted by her bro wit liquor in hand..lol slept over..                                                                                                DAY 2==== then early wake up call left at 6 am to buffalo (a 6-7 hour car ride). didnt get car sick. yay! 80s and oldies music wit sum beth rap at the side. best pit stop ever was the I love new york main office. rice cakes, clementines, special K cereal always at hand.  harry potter book held tightly by bethany. oh and did i forget to mention.. We got pulled over by a cop.. (best picture ever! we took a pic of the cop car while his back was turned) for speeding haha.. i love bethany! a 65 mph to a 84 mph bethany wit a smile on her face. then we get to buffalo at approx 1pm. greeted by a "just woke up" nic. saw sum triops lol. THANKIES nic for letting us invade ur house. ricky quickly drives to nics house.. i heart him. we go venture around buffalo stores.. then to the mall. sit down a bit in the "orgasism chair" as ricky calls it .. in bed bath. leave lovers to their own date and go wit ricky eat outt, drive around and yell at ben while he rides his bike.. he got so scared... and meet rickys friends.adorable and funny. esp jimmy wit his booty shakin dance.. lol..                                                                                                  DAy three-------CANADA to see niagara falls which was amazing. too many tourists tho. dipppiin dots droolssss. rode maid of the mist boat and bethany made me "drink" sum niagara h20, lovey ponchos "does it come in pink?" lol ana. high fiving ea passenger on opposite side for bill lol. postcard pic of rainbow and cigarrette. nowww ricky meets us for clifton hill (awesum mini times square) eat and see diff stores. walk to casino. best part... who cant love a policy of 19 age limit for gamblin and drinkin!... gambled a bit.. (yeahh.. bethany was right. i would be the one addicted.. won sum cash... wish i had more for poker. then we went to a few bars.. mardi gras was a fav. nice balcony to yell at sober people. cant believe ricky drank 6 long island ice teas and a huge ass sex on the beach. canadian men are cuteess.. the dancin could be better tho. badd stuff closes at 2 am tho. DAY 4---------downtown buffalo.. elmwood street almost like a mini village. the spot nicee cup of coffee. got addicted to sponge chocolate candies. oh god.. next fudruckers burgers hugeness. then off the bills boat... nice view... then off to CAnal fest.....long carnival wit elephant ears ( like zeppoles),  games, ferris wheel etc.. nite time was maddness...me and bethany promised ricky we would go wit him... and we felt badd.. soooo we went to a gay drag show and dance club. omg.. it was sooo funny!. damn drag queens can dance! and ricky and jimmy did moves ive nevr seen before.... handed sum dollahs for the drag queens and danced wit one... and ben was tryin to convince me to put the dollar bill in my mouth to give to Vi., one of the drag queens.. ricky did it for me instead!.. lol... but i did do sumthing ive never really done before.. god i hate ben... i danced up on stage on a pole.. lauren was reallly gettin into it.... i cant believe i did tha..hey only on road trips right?day 5------ last day..tear.. went off to see canada one last time. bought sum souvenirs, see falls...then off to eat real buffalo wings.. they get soo mad when u call it buffalo wings.. soo i mean chicken wings. it was pretttty good. then later at 5 ish we left back for home. orange moons, melted chocolates, and bigger bags.... god i needed that trip tho.. peaceful, stress free, and my first road trip w/o family eever. Thank God nothing badd happened... i heart me ana banana and bethany. til next road trip. mexico maybe?.. lol

me outttttt for the week.............. for the road trip of the year wit me ana banana and bethany... hittin up middletown....buffalo... and canaduh... excited. pray we dont get lost... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh CANt wait to gamble, drink, and visit me favs nicky n ricky...